Blue Day

I had my physical therapy appointment yesterday for my neck. One of my bosses pointed out that I now need medical attention from head to feet, including my stomach ulcers along the way. He has a way with people (insert sarcastic tone here).

The thing is, going to physical therapy really pisses me off. When I went for the first time two years ago, I blamed my therapist, but deep down I knew I had a bad attitude, even if I didn't know why. Yesterday as I sat there and realized how truly unsettled I was feeling, I made myself focus in on the particular emotion I was feeling and identified anger. So then I had to think about why I was angry and I think it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of aging and fear of losing the mobility and vitality I have always taken for granted. I resent that my body is not what it used to be and I'm angry at it and at myself for not having appreciated it nor taken particularly good care of it. And fear that this is just the beginning.

The rest of the day was a struggle to stay positive with my students and not take my anger out on them. I managed fairly well, but I was definitely feeling more than a little blue. And as luck would have it, I had to stay for an AVID parent meeting from 6:30-7:30 p.m. Lucky indeed, as it turned out, because five of my former AVID students had come to speak at the meeting, to give the rising ninth graders their perspective and some idea of what to expect. And it was a wonderful reminder, at just the right time, of why I am so very, very grateful to be a teacher. It's because of the kids.

And my blue day was over, just like that.